Confession: My ass is literally worried about airport security. And Charlie Sheen…

6 Jan

I’m getting on a plane to head to Vegas in a month and all I can do is think about is a recent news article I read. In Saudi Arabia a member of Al Qaeda smuggled a bomb up his ass in attempt to kill Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, head of Saudi Arabia’s counter terrorism operations, in his palace. The report was alarming to me, since, according to the broadcaster, the bomber “avoided detection by two sets of airport security, including metal detectors and palace security” before gaining access to the palace. Apparently, the technology that is necessary to check for bombs being stored in ones anal cavity does not exist yet. The article maintains that Al Qaeda lifted the technology, ie. cramming things up your ass, from drug smugglers- yet another reason we should end the war on drugs, in my humble opinion.

The saddest part about this story, to me, is that even if this suicide bomber was greeted by Allah, and a handful of virgins, he did not mutter the only phrase that would’ve made this a tolerable or worthy act. “Rectum, I damn near killed ‘em!”

And this was the case, because although this asshole (no pun intended) managed to cram a bomb up his butt, he literally only blew up his own ass. The bomb was apparently detonated by a text message, and although security officials have no clue what the text said, I believe it was something like this: “OMG! I still can’t believe you shoved a bomb up your ass, you’re so gay! JK! Good luck, and know that we think you’re the bomb! No homo. L8.”

The Prince was mildly injured in the explosion, but the real story is, what’s next for airport security? Then on Christmas day, after asking myself that question, another man smuggled an explosive material onto a plane underneath his taint.

After the shoe bomber people had to start walking through airport security wearing socks or barefoot, while their shoes were x-rayed. Then there was the liquid bomber, the people that were going to mix liquids together to blow a plane out of the air. This resulted in people having to pack Barbie sized portions of shampoo, toothpaste and any other remotely liquid looking substance. Now we’ve had two bombers with explosive materials up or stored directly near their ass. What’s it going to take to clear airport security now?

The last time I flew I was a wee-bit hung over and didn’t think twice about filling up my water bottle for a little re-hydration on my flight home. I nearly drank the entire bottle before tucking it into my backpack to go through security.
“Whose bag is this,” called someone behind the x-ray machine.
“Mine,” I replied, quickly searching my mind to make sure I didn’t have anything illegal in there.
“You have liquid in your water bottle,”
“That would be water,” I replied.
After five minutes of arguing with the man to just let me drink the rest of the water and take my bottle, I realized I was about to miss my flight, so I left the guard standing there with my brand new $25 water bottle. The entire flight home I swear I was thirstier than I’ve ever been before.

I’m afraid that the next time I go to fly anywhere I’m going to have to drop my pants, grab my ankles and cough, with my ass two inches away from some TSA agent.

When I was young I saw the movie Delta Force, which dealt with the hijacking of a commercial plane. Unfortunately, I saw this fine film before I’d ever actually flown anywhere, causing me to believe that my first time on a plane, it would surly be hijacked. I had the same fear/concern the first time I boarded a train, but I can’t for the life of me remember what movie it was that instilled this fear in me.

So when I was 8, or somewhere around there, I boarded a plane to plane to Disney World, convinced that a group of heavily armed men would stand up halfway through our flight and inform us of their plan to take our plane to anywhere but the Magic Kingdom and Epcot Center. I’m not sure where I thought they would take us, but based on the hijacking movies I had seen, I assumed it would be someplace sandy with a lot of cacti- so maybe Arizona?

In the movie, the only reason any of the hostages survive the whole ordeal is because of the kick-ass heroics of Major Scott McCoy (Chuck Norris). But the hostages were incredibly lucky, when the hijacking was first announced and The Delta Force was called back into action via a live cable news broadcast, McCoy just happened to be watching. And he did swear this was his last mission, although he made it back for Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection. But how could I be sure that McCoy would be watching cable news if our plane hijacked? And how could I be sure he would even take the mission, after all, he didn’t appear for Delta Force 3: The Killing Game, and it was a killing game for Christ’s sake! McCoy was replaced in the third installment by a bunch of clowns that didn’t even go by military rankings, Greg was by far the best bet for a hero and that’s only because he’s Chuck Norris’ son in real life. But I didn’t know that when I was 8, I only know that now because of Wikipedia.

Of course our plane didn’t get hijacked and we made it safely to Disney World. It wasn’t until nearly five years later that I realized how crazy it was that I thought that McCoy, or rather, Chuck Norris, could save me from terrorists. I came to this conclusion after watching the movie Passenger 57 and immediately realized, Chuck Norris could never save me from a plane full of terrorists- but Wesley Snipes could!

In the movie, Snipes single handled takes down a crew of international terrorists. At one point, when talking shit to the No. 1 bad guy, a white boy from… some international country, Snipes asks, “Do you ever play roulette?” To which the terrorist responds, “On occasion.” Snipes then delivers the main zinger, “Well let me give you a word of advice, always bet on black!” Get it, cause Snipes is black? OH, man!

To this day I have the hardest time going against Snipes on the roulette table. Anytime I even consider betting on red or green I just think to myself, “Was betting on red or green the key to Snipes taking down a plane full of terrorists?” And the answer is simple, of course not. It was betting on black, and betting on black alone that allowed Snipes to single handedly take down an international terrorist organization. I guarantee Snipes only bets on black, even if he’d want to bet on red, I don’t think there is a pit boss in the world that would allow him to place that bet. “I’m sorry Mr. Snipes, you always bet on black.”

This could explain the financial predicament Snipes is in, but something tells me it leans more heavily on the fact that he is accused of not paying his taxes. I used to live with a conspiracy theorist who supported Snipes and claimed, as did Snipes, that people do not actually have to pay the government taxes. The argument, which is known as the 861, argues that domestic income of U.S. citizens and residents is not taxable by the government. Often times people who use this argument are made an example of and hit with large fines or even jail time.

But my friend is not the type to be swayed by such verdicts. He is not the type of person who believes the government is behind Sept. 11, the JFK assassination or the illuminate- he knows it, and he has books and DVDs to prove it. He stores his library right next to his shotguns, which he keeps close to his bed for the upcoming civil war.

Some of the “evidence” he has for his conspiracy theories is pretty convincing and I find myself worried for him at times. If he knows these secrets about the government, and he can prove it, what’s to stop the government from slipping him a lethal dose of something in his kool-aid? But shortly after developing these fears for his safety I took the time to listen to a few more of his conspiracy theories, then a few more.  Then I realized that he’s a snowboard bum and smokes roughly the same amount of pot as Bob Marley did on a daily basis, the government would never have to worry about discrediting him. The same can be said for most conspiracy theorists.

The government would simply have to say, “That is an interesting theory and you have some pretty convincing evidence. Did you come up with this theory before or after the roughly 19-hours a day you spend smoking pot and playing World of Warcraft?” And just like that the theory would lose all clout.

One time we were out to dinner and he was telling me about Sept. 11 and a third building that fell that day. The building is referred to as Building 7, and according to my friend, it was located around the corner from the twin towers and its collapse was widely ignored by the mainstream media. The building housed some of the world’s premiere financial institutions and different government agencies. His theory is that the government imploded Building 7 to insure that important financial and government secrets would be lost forever.

I asked, “If this really happened, and you know about it and have so much information about it, how come more people don’t know about it?”

At that moment, as if on cue, a man sitting in the booth behind us popped his head up and asked, “Are you talking about Building 7? I know about it!”

“See!” my friend exclaimed.

After that I did some research and there is undeniable evidence that a lot of things about Sept. 11 don’t add up or seem to lend themselves very plausibly to conspiracy theories. There are the engineers who insist the buildings infrastructure would not simply melt and then implode due to the heat caused by airline fuel. There are the demolitions experts who swear the towers fell like a controlled demolition and not like a building that was crumbling. You have the cell phone calls from victims to their families even though some experts claim that technology, to make cell calls while in the air, did not even existed at the time. And then there are those at the Pentagon who clamed to have seen something more like a missile, than a plane, crash into the buildings. Engineers question how a 125-foot wide 757 could punch a hole that was simply 60 feet wide in the building.

The more I read, the more I started to believe. Yet no one in the mainstream seemed to be paying any attention no matter how plausible these theories sounded. But then something happened; Charlie Sheen published a story on-line of a fictitious conversation between him and President Obama. And just like that, people in the mainstream were talking conspiracy theories.

In his story, Sheen thanks the President for thinking his show, Two and a Half Men, is funny, and then implores the President to look into the events of Sept. 11. Sheen goes through a laundry list of conspiracy theories with the President and presents each case with a number of “facts” to back them up.

After reading the story, entitled, “20 Minutes With The President”, I decided once and for all, if Charlie Sheen believes this shit, then there is no way it could be true. After all, if someone convinced this guy, who once played the roll of Patrick Swayze’s brother in the kick-ass movie Red Dawn, to play along some bumbling moron- whose name I refuse to even Google- in Two and a Half Men, then he can be convinced of anything. How could you ever go from playing the roll of Patrick Swayze’s brother, to playing to role of that guy’s brother? Once you go Swayze, there’s no going back—no one puts baby in a corner.  Even playing the role of his real life brother, the Mighty Duck man, Emilio Estevez, would’ve been a better bet.

The man who believes these conspiracy theories is no longer the Sheen that played in Young Guns or made out with Ferris Bueller’s sister in a police station. No, these are the thoughts of a guy who now makes his living playing a jingle writer who wears socks with his loafers and bowling shirts on a daily basis. Sadly, someone created a Web site dedicated to making shirts like the one Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, wears on TV. The site claims, “They say of the wearer, “I’m stylish, laid-back and cool but don’t take myself too seriously, just like Charlie.”

Sheen has admitted to sleeping with 5,000 woman– I don’t know if I’m more shocked that he hasn’t contracted every STD known to man, or that he can keep track of that many different woman— and I’m sure that all 5,000 of them occurred before he started taping Two and a Half Men.
But my point is this, if Sheen believes all of these conspiracy theories, that’s good enough for me to exonerate our government of all wrong doings. I know our government is screwed up, I know that all of the events of Sept. 11 don’t add up and I definitely know that airport security is screwed. I guess, in the end, I just want my ass left out of it.

– Daniel Savickas

3 Responses to “Confession: My ass is literally worried about airport security. And Charlie Sheen…”

  1. Jalene at 4:45 am #

    i39joY Good point. I hadn’t thought about it quite that way. 🙂

  2. Caiden at 5:34 am #

    nDhyPZ Very true! Makes a change to see someone spell it out like that. 🙂

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