Confession: TGIF

8 Jan

I’ve always hated the saying TGIF and I’m not sure why. If I could establish a clear relationship between the abbreviation and the run of Friday night televisions shows it represented while I was in elementary and middle school, I’m sure I’d have fonder feelings towards it.

I mean, come on. Who didn’t love themselves some Urkel? For me, Urkel represented one thing, and one thing only- pure comedic genius. And who could forget Full House? The first time I headed into San Francisco I lowered the top on my Jeep and imagined I was Danny Tanner cruising across the Golden Gate Bridge in a red convertible with Uncle Jessie and Uncle Joey. CUT. IT. OUT! Of course the first time I drove across the bridge, as well as the second and third, it was so foggy I could barely see. I thought to myself, “Danny Tanner lied to me!”

Now days I don’t really associate Friday nights with quality television broadcasting. I guess if I associate it with anything I associate Fridays with the freedoms Saturday mornings provide. Friday means I don’t have to wake up early the following morning and if I want I can go out, stay up late and do whatever I want for as late as I want. But I usually don’t, the older I get the more likely I am to stay in on Friday nights, go to bed early and think back to a time where Friday nights meant ordering pizza, drinking massive amounts of pop and hanging out with my homeboys Urkel, Danny Tanner an Uncle Jessie.

– Daniel Savickas

Confession: My ass is literally worried about airport security. And Charlie Sheen…

6 Jan

I’m getting on a plane to head to Vegas in a month and all I can do is think about is a recent news article I read. In Saudi Arabia a member of Al Qaeda smuggled a bomb up his ass in attempt to kill Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, head of Saudi Arabia’s counter terrorism operations, in his palace. The report was alarming to me, since, according to the broadcaster, the bomber “avoided detection by two sets of airport security, including metal detectors and palace security” before gaining access to the palace. Apparently, the technology that is necessary to check for bombs being stored in ones anal cavity does not exist yet. The article maintains that Al Qaeda lifted the technology, ie. cramming things up your ass, from drug smugglers- yet another reason we should end the war on drugs, in my humble opinion.

The saddest part about this story, to me, is that even if this suicide bomber was greeted by Allah, and a handful of virgins, he did not mutter the only phrase that would’ve made this a tolerable or worthy act. “Rectum, I damn near killed ‘em!”

And this was the case, because although this asshole (no pun intended) managed to cram a bomb up his butt, he literally only blew up his own ass. The bomb was apparently detonated by a text message, and although security officials have no clue what the text said, I believe it was something like this: “OMG! I still can’t believe you shoved a bomb up your ass, you’re so gay! JK! Good luck, and know that we think you’re the bomb! No homo. L8.”

The Prince was mildly injured in the explosion, but the real story is, what’s next for airport security? Then on Christmas day, after asking myself that question, another man smuggled an explosive material onto a plane underneath his taint.

After the shoe bomber people had to start walking through airport security wearing socks or barefoot, while their shoes were x-rayed. Then there was the liquid bomber, the people that were going to mix liquids together to blow a plane out of the air. This resulted in people having to pack Barbie sized portions of shampoo, toothpaste and any other remotely liquid looking substance. Now we’ve had two bombers with explosive materials up or stored directly near their ass. What’s it going to take to clear airport security now?

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Confession: I miss smoking

9 Dec

I’ve often wondered what it is that keeps me from writing a novel or a collection of short stories. Inevitably it’s A.D.D. or my sheer lack of motivation, but I prefer to pretend it’s something much deeper than that, perhaps something I can simply acquire by going to the store, or better yet, buy it on-line from Zappos. I’ve seen plenty of movies involving accomplished authors, and as I began to look back at these characters for clues of what makes someone a published, successful, writer, a trait emerged. At first it wasn’t easy to see, but after awhile it was as clear as day and it hit me like a brick – all great writers are smokers.

I remember back in college when it seemed like all I did was write words on paper and I smoked then. Why did I ever quit? David Sedaris quit, but when he smoked it provided him with plenty of content, and when he did finally quit, he wrote half of a book about his journey to become smoke-free.

I remember my first cigarette clearly. Nine months shy of my 18th birthday, I bummed a Marlboro Red off of a friend. To be honest, I’m not sure I’d ever felt cooler than the first time I lit up that cigarette, except maybe the first time I lit up in front of a girl who smoked. I’d pretended to smoke thousands of times before, but somehow the awful taste of tobacco just made me feel so much cooler than all of those times I’d lit a fake cigarette made out of marshmallow, or simply held my fingers up to my mouth in a thin horizontal V.

I wasn’t too graceful with my first cig, but my years of pretending and watching R-rated movies had given me some clue of how to properly flick the ash from the end of my phallic torch. The awesomeness I’d felt with my first few drags quickly turned into what can only be described as flu-like symptoms. Before I knew it, I’d ditched the cowboy-killer into a 20-oz bottle of Cherry Coke and jumped in the nearby lake to cool off. Cold sweats seemed to plague every inch of my body. Although I didn’t throw-up, I came close; and yet this was not the last time I smoked. Continue reading

Confession: I believe in Santa Claus, again…

7 Dec

I still haven’t decided whether or not I believe in Santa. When I was a child, I believed in him wholeheartedly, and I was rewarded with a stocking full of candy and plenty of presents under the tree. One time I even received a note from Santa, which was horribly scribbled. He apologized for the poor penmanship, citing bad weather and a bumpy sleigh ride down from the North Pole. As I got older my faith in Santa faded, as did the number of presents under the tree and the amount of candy in my stocking; until one year I just flat-out no longer believed. And since then, Christmas has never been the same.

I understand that Santa is the single greatest tool in motivating a child. Even in mid-July there is a chance that threatening a child with, “Santa is watching, you don’t want to get on his naughty list do you?” will result in the child instantly cleaning his or her bedroom or removing their fist from a sibling’s face. Once fall hits and the realization that Christmas is quickly approaching, kids become borderline saints, and putty in their parent’s hands. Everything they do is motivated by the fact that they think Santa will put them on the nice list.

I remember going to see Santa Claus at the mall when I was younger, and it seemed like he always asked, “Have you been a good boy this year? Have you been listening to your parents?”
If parents were smart, they’d slip the Santa a twenty to ask a series of questions.
“Are you being nice to your sisters, cleaning your bedroom, doing your homework, letting your parents sleep in on Saturdays?”
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Confession: People Yahoo weird stuff

3 Dec

This week Yahoo released its list of the top ten things people used their search engine to find out more about, this year. The results lead me to believe the two main types of people using the Yahoo search engine are men, and teenie booper girls. Here’s how this year’s numbers broke down.

1. Michael Jackson took the number one spot, proving once again that the best thing an artist can do to improve their image and boost album sales is to simply die.

2. The Twilight Saga came at number two, which really makes me wonder if I’m missing out on something great. I’ve heard the books are as addictive as crack, but that still doesn’t mean they’re worth reading. After all, how good can crack be for you, really? I know I freak out when I meet anyone that hasn’t read the Harry Potter series, but something tells me Twilight cannot possibly live up to its hype. And besides, didn’t HBO make this same plot into a TV show?

3. WWE took the three-spot. What can I say? Wrestling is super entertaining and will always have a place in the heart of every man living in the good U.S. of A. The WWE is a total guilty pleasure of mine, but not as much as when it was the WWF. I watch wrestling, maybe, a few times a year, when I happen to catch it, but it always grabs my full attention. I grew up a Hulk-a-manic and was part of the Warrior-nation; it’s in my blood. And for my money, there are no better shit-talkers on the planet than professional wrestlers. Face it; professional wrestling is hands down the longest running, and best, soap opera ever!

4. Megan Fox… When I was telling my wife about this top ten the other night at dinner, a woman sitting next to us asked, “Are you sure it wasn’t ‘Megan Fox naked?’” I’m pretty sure it was, but Yahoo would probably like to pretend that Internet is used for something besides porn and skin shots of celebrities.

5. Moving down the list all the way from last year’s number one spot… Britney Spears. Sorry Britney, it looks like people are much more interested in you loosing your shit, than they are with the shitty music you make.

6. Naruto was number six, and since Yahoo’s search engine sucks, I Googled it find out more. Apparently Naruto is a manga comic. If you don’t know what manga comics are, don’t worry. you’re not alone. According to Wikipedia, magna comics include a broad range of subjects: action-adventure, romance, sports and games, historical drama, comedy, science fiction and fantasy, mystery, horror, sexuality, and business and commerce, among others. Like most things American’s couldn’t care less about, manga comics are big in Japan.

7. American Idol rolls in at number seven. Maybe I’m just imagining it, but didn’t it come out that the fix was in on this show? The only redeeming quality about this show is that Ellen is now, or is going to be, a judge on the show. Ellen is fabulous, teen-aged-singers that get record contracts from this show and then put out shitty music, are not.

8. Kim Kardashian takes the number eight spot, proving once again, it doesn’t matter that no one knows who you are before your sex tape “accidentally” gets leaked on the Internet, afterwards you’ll be a celebrity. But seriously, did anyone know who they hell she was before she make a sex tape with Moesha’s brother?

9. Of course NASCAR was going to make the top ten. I’d love to make a joke about all of the ignorant rednecks that watch the sport, but one of the most intelligent people I know is a die-hard NASCAR fan. But I think he’s the exception to the rule. It’s safe to say that 99.9% of NASCAR fans think Sarah Palin is a political genius with great values and that global warming is a myth. NASCAR is also one of the fastest growing sports in the U.S.- be afraid, be very afraid.

10. Rounding out the top ten is Runescape, a video game. Never heard of it, but then again I’m not an avid gamer. This game does sound pretty cool though. I wonder if you can get it for Atari?

Confession: Chuck Klosterman reads my blog

3 Dec

Chuck Klosterman reads my blog! Or on-line collections of essays as I like to think of it. I don’t know this for sure, but today I got a hit from someone who followed my link from Facebook; and it just happens to be the same day Chuck Klosterman accepted my Facebook invitation to be friends. In related news, Chuck Klosterman and I are now friends.

I’m now sitting around daydreaming about Chuck Klosterman reading my essays. I wonder if he laughed at anything. I hope he at least cracked a smile. I’m sure he did, and at this moment he’s probably back on Facebook doing one of two things… writing me a message, or poking me. There is a possibility I’ll be able to go home today and tell my wifey, “Honey, today I got poked by Chuck Klosterman.” She’d be so happy for me.

If you haven’t noticed, I love Chuck Klosterman. Klosterman is the David Sedaris for people who are obsessed with music and pop culture. My sister-in-law recently asked, “Is he that one guy that makes all those pop-culture references I don’t get?”

Before reading Chuck Klosterman I didn’t realize that anyone had the same type of thoughts as I do. I was especially excited to find out that someone let him write several books about such thoughts. For years I thought I was the only one that spent my spare time writing at great lengths over who would’ve been more likely to prevent Sept. 11, the Delta Force, or John Cutter from Passenger 57. Or which celebrities would make up an all-star team to win the office Dead Pool. I believe Klosterman is the type of guy that I could have a beer with and seriously discuss the topic of whether Tupac would have an iPhone or a Blackberry Curve, if he were alive today.

I look forward to talking with him about many important issues on the Facebook chat option, during our new Facebook-friendship, but for now… I’m just really honored to find out that Chuck Klosterman reads, or may have read, my blog.

Confession: I hate your blog

18 Nov

I hate blogs, including this one. There, I said it. I can admit it, blogs suck, they are evil creatures. Without blogs, it’s fair to say the world would be a much better place.

I remember when I first heard about blogs, I thought they would be a great idea. But like most things, they are only enjoyable when experienced in moderation. Nowadays everyone has a blog. Most likely even your Mom has a blog.

There are blogs about food, music, movies, bikes, stuff white people like, pop-culture, design, politics… Then there are blogs that deal with all of the above and more. There are even blogs about blogs. It’s too much, there are too many, the Internet is too flooded with them. I’ve even seen blogs about religion. If the post I read was true, and there is a God… Please help, please eliminate all of the blogs in the world, including this one. Thanks God.

Sarah Palin’s fame is even credited to a blog. Before some small political blog raved about her, she was widely unknown; man I miss those days. But now, thanks to some stupid blog, her face and annoying smug little smile is everywhere for everyone to see. And what do we know about the blogger who first praised this woman? Well of course we know he’s an idiot, because after all, he praised Sarah Palin… But besides that, we don’t know anything about him. Why does his opinion even matter? For all we know he could worship Captain Kirk, his diet could consist solely of Cheetos and Reb Bull and he could be planning to marry his sister when he grows up.

That’s my point; blogs would maybe be useful or entertaining if they were used by important people to say intelligent or funny things. Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘Who determines who is intelligent or funny enough to get a blog?” I don’t know the answer to that question, me maybe? But I know this; someone has to do something. They used to do this back in the good old-fashioned days when people still read newspapers. The people who made these decisions were called editors and the people they chose to push their views, humor and or opinions onto you were called columnists, and it was awesome.

Now, as I’ve said before, columnists are dead, and the only thing that’s left in their place are bloggers and tweeters (is tweeter what you call a person who uses Twitter?). If you have a blog, most likely I’ve read it to kill time at work, and most likely I think less of you for having it; just like my self-esteem goes down several points every time I click the publish button on this blog.

At times I wish I lived in China where they restricted things like Facebook, people’s blogs and other information. It must be nice to not be so overwhelmed with all this bullshit. I understand that you might think I’m crazy for feeling this way and I might have offended you, but I don’t really care. What are you going to do, blog about it?

No bloggers where injured in this blog post.