Tag Archives: delta force

Confession: My ass is literally worried about airport security. And Charlie Sheen…

6 Jan

I’m getting on a plane to head to Vegas in a month and all I can do is think about is a recent news article I read. In Saudi Arabia a member of Al Qaeda smuggled a bomb up his ass in attempt to kill Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, head of Saudi Arabia’s counter terrorism operations, in his palace. The report was alarming to me, since, according to the broadcaster, the bomber “avoided detection by two sets of airport security, including metal detectors and palace security” before gaining access to the palace. Apparently, the technology that is necessary to check for bombs being stored in ones anal cavity does not exist yet. The article maintains that Al Qaeda lifted the technology, ie. cramming things up your ass, from drug smugglers- yet another reason we should end the war on drugs, in my humble opinion.

The saddest part about this story, to me, is that even if this suicide bomber was greeted by Allah, and a handful of virgins, he did not mutter the only phrase that would’ve made this a tolerable or worthy act. “Rectum, I damn near killed ‘em!”

And this was the case, because although this asshole (no pun intended) managed to cram a bomb up his butt, he literally only blew up his own ass. The bomb was apparently detonated by a text message, and although security officials have no clue what the text said, I believe it was something like this: “OMG! I still can’t believe you shoved a bomb up your ass, you’re so gay! JK! Good luck, and know that we think you’re the bomb! No homo. L8.”

The Prince was mildly injured in the explosion, but the real story is, what’s next for airport security? Then on Christmas day, after asking myself that question, another man smuggled an explosive material onto a plane underneath his taint.

After the shoe bomber people had to start walking through airport security wearing socks or barefoot, while their shoes were x-rayed. Then there was the liquid bomber, the people that were going to mix liquids together to blow a plane out of the air. This resulted in people having to pack Barbie sized portions of shampoo, toothpaste and any other remotely liquid looking substance. Now we’ve had two bombers with explosive materials up or stored directly near their ass. What’s it going to take to clear airport security now?

Continue reading

Confession: Chuck Klosterman reads my blog

3 Dec

Chuck Klosterman reads my blog! Or on-line collections of essays as I like to think of it. I don’t know this for sure, but today I got a hit from someone who followed my link from Facebook; and it just happens to be the same day Chuck Klosterman accepted my Facebook invitation to be friends. In related news, Chuck Klosterman and I are now friends.

I’m now sitting around daydreaming about Chuck Klosterman reading my essays. I wonder if he laughed at anything. I hope he at least cracked a smile. I’m sure he did, and at this moment he’s probably back on Facebook doing one of two things… writing me a message, or poking me. There is a possibility I’ll be able to go home today and tell my wifey, “Honey, today I got poked by Chuck Klosterman.” She’d be so happy for me.

If you haven’t noticed, I love Chuck Klosterman. Klosterman is the David Sedaris for people who are obsessed with music and pop culture. My sister-in-law recently asked, “Is he that one guy that makes all those pop-culture references I don’t get?”

Before reading Chuck Klosterman I didn’t realize that anyone had the same type of thoughts as I do. I was especially excited to find out that someone let him write several books about such thoughts. For years I thought I was the only one that spent my spare time writing at great lengths over who would’ve been more likely to prevent Sept. 11, the Delta Force, or John Cutter from Passenger 57. Or which celebrities would make up an all-star team to win the office Dead Pool. I believe Klosterman is the type of guy that I could have a beer with and seriously discuss the topic of whether Tupac would have an iPhone or a Blackberry Curve, if he were alive today.

I look forward to talking with him about many important issues on the Facebook chat option, during our new Facebook-friendship, but for now… I’m just really honored to find out that Chuck Klosterman reads, or may have read, my blog.