Tag Archives: google

Confession: We bought a haunted house…

5 Feb

My wife and I are in the process of buying a new house and I swear, I haven’t signed and or initialed this many things since I was applying for college. I had to use the force to channel my social security number, which I had stored away long ago behind countless song lyrics and pointless movie lines. We’re really excited about the purchase, but when I say we are buying a new house, I simply mean that it is new to us. The house itself was built in 1925, but it is in a great neighborhood and we got a pretty amazing deal.

Such an amazing deal actually, that I’m starting to grow concerned about the history of the house. Not so much the structural history, we hired an inspector, and for a small fortune he prodded around the house and snapped pictures with a digital camera of all the things we needed to fix. I’m talking about the actually history of the house.

A friend joked that the only reason we got such a great deal was because someone used the place to perform satanic rituals, or that someone was murdered there. Normally this is the type of thing I’d laugh off, but my wife and I just finished watching an unhealthy amount of Dexter in an extremely short time, and now I’m super paranoid that everyone I know or anyone I pass on the street, is in fact a serial killer. I’m in the process of searching all of my friend’s homes for trophies of their kills.

This paranoia has built to the point where I’m now completely confident that I’ve purchased the home of a serial killer and or Satan worshiper. I’m also convinced that although I’m completely joking (only 99 percent serious), my wife will not be able to sleep the first night we stay at the house because of this post.

I’m a little less stressed out now that I Googled “serial killer, murder, murdered, satanic ritual” and our address, only to have nothing solid pop up in the search results. I’m sure the house is fine, we’ve toured it a number of times, even at night, and found nothing strange.

Well, we did find a pretty eerie photo of a young boy, in the basement, placed prominently on the furnace. It looked like he used to live in the house, but it was pretty strange because the house has been abandoned for a number of years, then completely gutted and redone by a company who bought and flipped the place. They even replaced the furnace. So how did the photo end up on furnace? Who put it there and what were they trying to tell us? Oh shit… it just hit me! We bought a house that is haunted by a little boy. I’ve got to go call our real estate agent.

Confession: I’m dying…

26 Jan

Recently I haven’t been feeling well, so I decided to see what an expert had to say about my symptoms. Today I was hit with some very bad news, I’m terminally ill.

According to the search results I obtained from Googling my symptoms, I could be dying from at least 10 different illnesses. I was surprised to find out from Wikipedia that all of the diseases I’m suffering from are incredibly rare, some of them have never even been diagnosed in the U.S.- just my luck.

I decided to seek out a second opinion, so I Googled Web MD and then searched my symptoms there, only to find out my first diagnosis was completely accurate; I’m dying.

I’ve always thought it would be difficult to find out you are terminally ill, but usually there is one disease you are fighting and the doctors have a plan to alleviate your suffering. In my case, it’s not that easy. Some of my diseases have never even affected a man before; others haven’t been diagnosed in decades or are routinely found in only animals. There is no cure, and since I forgot to bookmark the Wikipedia pages for each disease, I already forgot at least seven of the illnesses I’m dying from.

My only hope now is that NBC will do a mini-series on my heroic struggle, battling at least 10 different terminal illnesses (that number will probably increase by the time I’m done reading through all of my search results). I hope they get someone fantastic to play me, like Neil Patrick Harris, or get Justin Timberlake and make it into a musical.

This news is obviously upsetting, but it really makes me think about what’s important- search engine results. Before I go and draft my will— deciding who will get my most cherished possessions, like my iPhone and my Jesus bobble-head doll— I’m going to work on redefining my symptoms for Google and see if it will re-diagnose me with something non-life threatening; like a sinus headache, which is what I thought I had to begin with.

– Daniel Savickas

Confession: People Yahoo weird stuff

3 Dec

This week Yahoo released its list of the top ten things people used their search engine to find out more about, this year. The results lead me to believe the two main types of people using the Yahoo search engine are men, and teenie booper girls. Here’s how this year’s numbers broke down.

1. Michael Jackson took the number one spot, proving once again that the best thing an artist can do to improve their image and boost album sales is to simply die.

2. The Twilight Saga came at number two, which really makes me wonder if I’m missing out on something great. I’ve heard the books are as addictive as crack, but that still doesn’t mean they’re worth reading. After all, how good can crack be for you, really? I know I freak out when I meet anyone that hasn’t read the Harry Potter series, but something tells me Twilight cannot possibly live up to its hype. And besides, didn’t HBO make this same plot into a TV show?

3. WWE took the three-spot. What can I say? Wrestling is super entertaining and will always have a place in the heart of every man living in the good U.S. of A. The WWE is a total guilty pleasure of mine, but not as much as when it was the WWF. I watch wrestling, maybe, a few times a year, when I happen to catch it, but it always grabs my full attention. I grew up a Hulk-a-manic and was part of the Warrior-nation; it’s in my blood. And for my money, there are no better shit-talkers on the planet than professional wrestlers. Face it; professional wrestling is hands down the longest running, and best, soap opera ever!

4. Megan Fox… When I was telling my wife about this top ten the other night at dinner, a woman sitting next to us asked, “Are you sure it wasn’t ‘Megan Fox naked?’” I’m pretty sure it was, but Yahoo would probably like to pretend that Internet is used for something besides porn and skin shots of celebrities.

5. Moving down the list all the way from last year’s number one spot… Britney Spears. Sorry Britney, it looks like people are much more interested in you loosing your shit, than they are with the shitty music you make.

6. Naruto was number six, and since Yahoo’s search engine sucks, I Googled it find out more. Apparently Naruto is a manga comic. If you don’t know what manga comics are, don’t worry. you’re not alone. According to Wikipedia, magna comics include a broad range of subjects: action-adventure, romance, sports and games, historical drama, comedy, science fiction and fantasy, mystery, horror, sexuality, and business and commerce, among others. Like most things American’s couldn’t care less about, manga comics are big in Japan.

7. American Idol rolls in at number seven. Maybe I’m just imagining it, but didn’t it come out that the fix was in on this show? The only redeeming quality about this show is that Ellen is now, or is going to be, a judge on the show. Ellen is fabulous, teen-aged-singers that get record contracts from this show and then put out shitty music, are not.

8. Kim Kardashian takes the number eight spot, proving once again, it doesn’t matter that no one knows who you are before your sex tape “accidentally” gets leaked on the Internet, afterwards you’ll be a celebrity. But seriously, did anyone know who they hell she was before she make a sex tape with Moesha’s brother?

9. Of course NASCAR was going to make the top ten. I’d love to make a joke about all of the ignorant rednecks that watch the sport, but one of the most intelligent people I know is a die-hard NASCAR fan. But I think he’s the exception to the rule. It’s safe to say that 99.9% of NASCAR fans think Sarah Palin is a political genius with great values and that global warming is a myth. NASCAR is also one of the fastest growing sports in the U.S.- be afraid, be very afraid.

10. Rounding out the top ten is Runescape, a video game. Never heard of it, but then again I’m not an avid gamer. This game does sound pretty cool though. I wonder if you can get it for Atari?

Confession: technology is crazy, stupid!

3 Nov

A few months back, my wife bought me an iPhone; I’m pretty sure she’s regretted it everyday since. She claims to be looking into support groups that help people who have a problem with their cell phone. I told her I’m not addicted; I’m simply exploring it and learning about all of the thousands of helpful apps. I’m know that somewhere out there is a programmer who is writing an app that will help me convince my wife that not only am I not playing with my iPhone too much, I’m not playing with it enough.

But in all seriousness, the iPhone is pretty amazing and I find myself wondering on a daily basis how I ever lived without one. Something tells me I was simply more resourceful, but I like to pretend like I was barely getting by before this invention.

It seems like ages ago when I would have to leaf through hundreds of thousands of dull-colored yellow pages looking for the number to the local movie theater. Then there was always the dilemma of whether they listed it under “theaters” or “movies.” I never remembered which one it was. Then there was the robotic woman’s voice that would slowly read out each movie, its run time, rating and all of the possible show times. Her voice haunts me to this day. Now I simply have an app that lists all of the movie times in my area, or I use my voice controlled Google search app to find the exact theater I’m looking for.

Technology is amazing, and it has made our lives unbelievably easy, but it does have its down sides. Before my iPhone days, I always carried a mini notebook and pen on my persons to scribble down all of the things I loved or hated about life at that particular moment. Sure I don’t miss forgetting to take the pen out of my pants before washing them, only to have the pen explode in the dryer and have the ink permanently heated into every thread of my clothing; but there is something about writing on actual pieces of paper. Lately I find myself typing all of my random thoughts into the notepad app on my phone, and although it looks like I’m typing on a legal pad, it’s just not the same.

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